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Facebook Posts That Make Me Want To Puke

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    puke rainbows
    17July 2015
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    Yet another of my famous lists, ladies and gentlemen. Take a good look and I’d bet you will find at least a few of your pet peeves listed below, too. Admit it: We all have certain friends we love to hate on Facebook and other social networking sites, because it's same stuff over and over and. Those annoying Facebook posts that someone is always making throughout the day, over and over.sick-meYou know how I mean, and how it goes, and how it starts out. Every damn day we see the same damn Facebook posts: 1. Declarations of never-ending love that definitely do not need to be declared randomly dozens of times throughout the day:  “I love my kids sooooooo much. They're sooooooo cute.” My Take:  I love my kids, too. And everyone else loves their kids, too. And?  Maybe these people feel some sort of need to convince someone (like themselves?), or perhaps felt an extra strong pang of love and instead of telling their beloved directly, they instead felt that the whole world should be in on it. On the other side of the coin, I once a friend of mine who posted something like, “I hate my kid. Sorry to offend you, but he’s a little bastard and I’m sick of him.” Obviously it was a joke made when he was a bit stressed, but no less than 96 people felt the need to tell him what a bad parent he was, anyway. boring-facebook-updates 2. The most mundane details about their day are consistently made to appear as great milestones of some sort: “Going to dinner and a movie!!!   ❤ ❤ ❤ ” My Take: Sounds like you lead a very boring life, so why should we care? top_him_boring_day_facebook 3. Giving daily updates about their health along with an appropriate emoticon to verify feelings about it: “Feeling sick today :(" My Take: Way too bored, obviously, and probably too stupid to play a game of Words with Friends while they're 'laid up.'  Just like number 2 above, unless it's something major or particularly interesting to everyone else, then: Ron-Burgundy-This-Just-In-No-One-Cares 4. Highly-charged emotional rants directed at 'no one in particular,' but yet so specific that everyone now knows the whole story behind how they got screwed over by someone: “NEVER trust people who tell you they will pick you up at 6 just to make you sit and wait for an hour. Some people will never be mature enough to be in a relationship, so maybe they should be dumped.” My Take: Come on now, they can’t very well give out the person’s name and address to everyone in la-la land, can they? That would be way too honest! Thank God for 'Block' buttons and 'Privacy Settings'! 5. Pictures of feet. My Take: What the hell. I have no idea why people do this, unless it's in some sort of fetish group. Otherwise, it’s just plain weird if I don't know you. Cheese and rice, Britney (and the rest of you, too), put some shoes on!  This is the best Facebook post you can come up with? nasty feet 6. Pictures of mundane plates of food in front of them. My Take: "I’m eating! You have to see what I’m eating!"  Well... I guess it probably looked a lot better at the restaurant. school-lunch 7. Dozens of trivial pictures of people you don't know and their new boyfriends/girlfriends smiling and goofing off for the camera so everyone can see how in love they are with each other. My Take: Now I find this to be a very interesting phenomenon. I have looked through thousands of people’s Facebook photo albums, not counting the similar pics I encountered while still at Myspace. From my observations, it seems women typically begin a relationship and immediately start accumulating evidence of said relationship. The more insecure the woman, the more evidence she will collect. Then she will begin posting all of them as default profile pics. In a couple of weeks, she will no longer have a profile pic with just her in it.  Then she tags the boyfriend, and the tagged photos are often the only ones that the boyfriend has on his page. However, he is absolutely required to “like” all of them (of course!). get a room you two You can tell how long a relationship will last by the difference in pics between the couple. If the woman has 30 and the man has 3 – it’s over in 3 months. You can also gauge just how invested in the relationship your female partner is by counting the pics. Anything over 10 should be a warning that she may be looking to marry you. Some people have hundreds of pics, which shows some serious desperation in providing evidence that, in fact, they really are together. 8. White girls wearing a lot of makeup and trying to strike a bad-ass, ghetto pose, sometimes making what they think are gang symbols. My Take: They wish they were bad-ass, or at least half-black or -chicano, but instead they just look ridiculous. gangster girls For some reason, this also reminds me of the tattoos of Chinese symbols many people like to get, but it doesn't actually say what the person thinks it means. :D 9. Persuasive proclamations of life being good: “I’m loving life right now.” My Take: F*ck you.  Life is not good.  Well, not *all* the time, anyway. 10. Persuasive proclamations about God. “I feel blessed to be alive on this glorious day, and I owe it all to God. Make God your only Savior today and you will never be sad again.” My Take: Yeah, well, religious people need to spend more time in church and less time on Facebook.  The lot of you.  I don't care what your particular religion is all about. Religion is like a penis... 11. Updates about how much they drink and how excited they are to be drinking:   “ :D  It’s only 9:00 and look at us! We’re already drunk!  Woo-hoo! :D " My Take: “I’m having fun. I swear, though, I am not an alcoholic. I just don't know any other way of restoring my withered sense of coolness.” I was a drink and drug addict for some years.  Let me fill you in something.  It is NOT fun and exciting.  And yes, you are probably a drunk if we see you writing this too often.  Sorry if that hurts, but it is what it is. 12. Updates of mundane activities written as though they are jokes: “I had to stop and get gas and then wait an hour for a prescription. Then I lost my keys and couldn’t get back in my car. Hahaha.” mundane-updates My Take: “That's hilarious, right? Please say it’s funny...” Mmm... yeah,okay then. 13. Updates written as though the poster never had an English class in their life, not even in elementary school, e.g., “OK I went to the OMG the swag thing u know I ran into that gurl my friends cusin and she LOL had a gole ring in her nose and she says hey u biggie I sware I almost loosed it right their hahahaha but she kewl I had to go to” My Take: They failed English but somehow still found a way to express otherwise incomprehensible thoughts among themselves. Good for them. I guess.  At least it makes them easier to pick out. too cool for scool tattoo 14. Over-quoted clichés from various thinkers: “It’s better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.” – Unknown. My Take: "I can’t think of anything amazing to say while I comfort myself, and it seems I have temporarily lost my refurbished, crappy iPod, so I can't quote those awesome new Lady Gaga lyrics at the moment." 15. Quoting song lyrics from (really bad) songwriters as if they are some kind of philosophy: “I set fire to the rain, and I threw us into the flames, where I heard somethin’ die” –Adele My Take: “What?! OMG - Adele is amazing! What?! She is NOT a preconceived commercial scheme brought about by the greedy label owners of the music industry. She’s not, I tell you! She's not!” And do you know what's even worse?  When they are misquoted song lyrics!  Isn't that just stomach churning? 16. Political rants about random things: “Why should churches have to pay for abortions? Obama is a terrible president and a terrorist.” My Take: I don’t know. I don't care. I hate politics.  Get that shit out of my face. fuck_politics 17. Extraordinary excitement about seeing someone: “OMG I can’t wait to see Lesley and Jaime and Kelly tonight!” My Take: Superficiality is the result of over-abundancy.  And who the hell are Leslie and Jamie and Kelly, anyway?  Am I supposed to know?  Do you really think we care? 18.  Duck lips.  Cheeeeeese and rice.  duck_lips_for_dinner My Take: Need I say anything more about this one?  I'd like to know what ignorant bitch brought this look to the scene.  So I could pull her duck lips clean off her face and shove them up her ass.  I can only assume they do this to disguise their faces because they're most likely kinda homely.  At least they can blame the bad pic on the pose. 19. And last but certainly not least: Posting sexy pics of yourself taken in the bathroom.  "Look at me in nothing but my bra that shows my ugly boobies.  I'm the flyest ever!"  My Take: Yeah, okay, Cinderella. Don't you have any friends that can take a damn picture for you?  Don't you have any other rooms in your place, or do you actually live in the bathroom?  Oh, and next time you take a bathroom pic, make sure you flush the toilet behind you before taking said pic.  (That's right, friends... take a good look in that toilet! It's a strong contender for ratemypoo.com!) dookie-fail If you have no respect for yourself and choose to be a skank, at least show us enough respect to give us a courtesy flush first.  And put on some matching drawers, while you're at it! Please, please, for the love of God, everyone, don't do these things anymore. :( Have I missed any?  Does anyone else have a 'personal favorite'? Even if it's a different kind of pet peeve, you can still send 'em my way... I love to harass people who screw up my day on a regular basis.
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